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Fear

I was afraid last night. I wasn’t frightened by women hanging from trees or ghosts begging for alms. I was fearful from lack of accomplishments.

That fear was horrible; my heart anxiously twisted and leapt. Walking was impossible. I couldn’t muster up the will to put one foot infront of the other. Ironically, I considered vaulting over the bridge railings and slamming myself onto the asphalt below.

In insane game-logic, I was about to reset myself and start all over. A restart from this failed life. I’ve wasted three years teaching a subject and in an institution that I didn’t believe in. I have been injured so often that movement comes with pain. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to break away from my family numerous times. I have had victories. But they’re so minor that they’re offset by later failures.

On that bridge, I could not think of a reason to exist and concluded that life is absurd. No action, event or entity was meaningful. If life were absurd then I must be absurd. Why carry on? That magnificent vault over the railings fascinated me.

I chickened out and walked away from that spot. Towards home and comfortable routines. I hope that it’ll all be ok tomorrow. But not much hope of that when all living is just drivel.

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Categories: Observations
  1. eggs
    April 3, 2007 at 11:05 am

    Fear. indeed. I\’ve thoughts like yours before. but like always chickened out… To me, you are the brave one, perhaps foolish, but brave enough. Not many can do what you have done. I\’m always observing you from afar, your triumphs, your separation. I think it\’s hard for you in this world, simply you are different. You\’ll probably have the life I\’ve always wanted but chickened out on. 😉 CHEER UP!

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